


Talk Some Sense To Me.

by Juvenile_Gemini



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gender Dysphoria, Other, Shame, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Trans Male Character, side relationships not tagged
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 00:15:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13201590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juvenile_Gemini/pseuds/Juvenile_Gemini
Summary: Gender is confusing. Matt does his best to help Pidge figure hers out. As time goes by and Pidge's feelings about gender become more clear, so do the siblings' feelings about each other, and they might not be as familial as they should be.





	Talk Some Sense To Me.

**Author's Note:**

> There is not nearly enough content for this ship and I'm here to fix that.

“What if I’m not a girl?”

Matt blinked.

Well, he hadn’t known what to expect when Katie knocked on his door at 3am saying she needed to talk, but… this wasn’t on the list of possibilities. Don’t get him wrong, it was much better than the dreaded “I’m pregnant”— but Matt wasn’t anywhere near mentally prepared for this one.

“Well,” he started after a pause, “what if you aren’t?”

Katie shrugged. She was avoiding eye contact, head bent, hands gripping the hem of her nightgown from where she sat on the edge of Matt’s bed. The bedside lamp illuminated the nearby surroundings just enough for Matt to see the quiver of her bottom lip.

“Let’s see…” Matt pulled the covers back, sliding down to Katie’s end of the bed to sit by her side. He threw an arm around her trembling shoulders. “If you’re not a girl, then, so what? Does it really change anything? You’re still my funny, smart, snarky, annoying, wonderful little sibling, and I’m still proud to be your big brother.”

Katie’s breath hitched, and Matt held her close when she turned to bury her face in his chest. Her frail body shook with the force of her sobs, but, as always, she held in any noises beyond trembling breaths and sniffling. Matt had seen Katie cry dozens of times in the past years, but couldn’t remember “hearing” her cry since she was a toddler. She was so stubborn and prideful.

He continued to hold his sister, one hand running up and down her back, the other petting her hair, letting her tears soak through his ratty bedshirt. He gave her as much time as she needed, not speaking again until her breathing began to even out.

”You good, Pidge?”

Katie nodded into his shoulder.

“Wow, you’re letting me get away with ‘Pidge?’ This really must be serious.”

She snorted, then sniffed, and finally sat up straight. Matt’s body was cold where her heat left. She wiped her eyes on her palms with a half-smile. “Well, I think I like it better than Katie anyway.”

Matt nodded. “Okay, noted. So…” He didn’t want to push her too far too soon, but he also didn’t want to get it wrong. “Should I be calling you ‘he’ too?”

The notion was met with a furious shake of the head. “No, no. I’m not ready for anyone else to know yet. Just you. Besides, I don’t… I don’t know if that’s what I want to be called.”

“O… kay?” His eyebrows knitted together. “Sorry, I’m not sure what you’re talking about anymore. Are you not a trans boy?”

The seventeen-year-old was a bit clueless when it came to queer matters. He picked up tidbits of knowledge from Shiro, enough to know what transgender meant. But if Pidge wasn’t a girl, and she didn’t want to be called a he… then what was she?

“I don’t know? I don’t think so? I mean…”

She huffed, looking frustrated with herself.

“I don’t really have the words for it right now. I know I hate my hair and my clothes. I know I don’t like having a feminine name or being called a girl. I know the thought of being someone’s wife or getting pregnant makes me crave death. But… I still don’t really feel like a boy, either. I don’t know what I am. And I hate it. I just wanna know. I hate not knowing.”

Matt wished he could help. He wished he had all the right words like she usually told him he did. But this topic was not his forte. If he opened his mouth now, he was bound to say something totally wrong, and he didn’t want to do that to Pidge when she was in such a vulnerable position. But he couldn’t leave her hanging either, so he went for something safe but hopefully comforting enough.

“That sounds shitty.” (It was a work in progress.) “If I could take those feelings from you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But c’mon, man— you’re a Holt! You always solve the problem in the end. And even if it’s confusing now, you’ll figure it out eventually.”

Pidge’s lips tugged up into a smile, which was interrupted with a yawn, which made Matt yawn as well.

He rubbed her back. “It’s late. We both need sleep.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

He pulled her into one last hug, breathing in the scent of her conditioner and squeezing her as tightly as he could. “Want a ride to school tomorrow?” he asked when they pulled back.

“Yes, please.”

“Alright. Be ready by seven.”

“I know.” Pidge stood up and padded her way to the door on bare tiptoes. She gave Matt one last smile— a silent thank you— which Matt returned with full sincerity— a silent don’t mention it mixed with a bit of I love you.

 

Matt knocked on Pidge’s door for the third time that morning.

No answer.

“Come on, Pidge, ten minutes before we go!”

“Mmmn… coming, I’m coming…”

The sound of rustling sheets and staggering footsteps was muffled behind the wood, but not completely masked. Matt sighed. He knew this was going to happen.

“Hurry up or I’m leaving you.”

He wasn't leaving her.

He jogged downstairs and into the kitchen. He grabbed the bagel he toasted for Pidge, which was cold now, and wrapped it up in a paper towel.

He waited by the door for her, backpack slung over one shoulder. He messed around on his phone for a bit, checking various social media accounts. The sound of Pidge’s footsteps barreling down the stairs echoed throughout the house. She dropped to her knees beside him, shoving her sneakers on without untying or retying the laces.

“Did you brush your teeth?”

Pidge shot up and blew in her brother’s face. He shoved her away with a smirk.

“You just used mouthwash. That’s cheating.”

“Doesn’t matter as long as I smell like mint somehow.”

Pidge adjusted the strap on her school bag, looking up at Matt with a cocky smile. He couldn’t help but smile back. It was good to see her happy. He was worried she would still be somber after last night, especially running on four hours of sleep. But she was her normal chipper self, albeit with dark circles under her big brown eyes. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail, and she was wearing jeans and the baggiest hoodie she owned (which Matt was pretty sure he actually owned, but oh well). She’d been dressing more boyish recently, he realized. He hadn’t really thought about it before.

He held the bagel out to Pidge, and she took it with a grin.

“Aw, thanks! What would I do without you?”

“Go hungry,” Matt answered. He opened the front door for her. “And ride the school bus every morning.”

Pidge made a face of disgust, jogging outside. “So glad I’m not an only child.”

Matt followed her and locked the door behind them.

“Yeah, me too.”

He handed control of the AUX cord over to a very happy Pidge. She chose some Front Bottoms. Matt couldn’t complain. He listened to her sing along for a few songs without speaking before deciding it was time to open up. Pidge beat him to it.

“Hey, Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“Are Mom and Dad getting me a car for my birthday?”

Matt’s eyebrow raised. “What?”

“You got one when you turned sixteen!”

“It’s barely February, Katie, isn’t this—“ He cut himself off. “Pidge. Pidge, sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

They fell into silence again as the opening notes of Twin Sized Mattress filled Matt’s Toyota. This was one of Pidge’s favorite songs at the moment. Matt wasn’t sure a fifteen-year-old could really get it, but, well, Pidge had always been leagues ahead of her peers in maturity.

“Uh, do you remember Shiro?” Matt tried after the first chorus.

Luckily, Pidge didn’t sound upset when she asked, “the buff senior dude? Yeah, I’ve seen him around.”

Matt turned the volume on the stereo down a touch. “Have you seen his boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend? He has a boyfriend?”

“Yeah, he’s bisexual. Uh, Keith… something.”

“Who’s Keith?”

“He’s in my grade. Transferred a couple years ago. Shaggy black hair, kinda thin, always hanging out by Shiro?”

“Ohh, I think I remember him. Why?”

Matt considered his words carefully. Hopefully she would think about it before saying no. Or at least reconsider after she inevitably did say no.

“He’s a trans boy.”

The older Holt kept his eyes on the road, but knew Pidge was staring at him in shock.

“Are you shitting me?”

“Nope. He doesn’t advertise it or anything, but he is. Shiro told me. And I know you said you don’t think you’re a boy, and I also know you’re not a fan of new people, but maybe—“

“No.”

Matt rolled his eyes. Of course. “You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

“You were gonna say I should talk to him about this, and I’m saying no.”

“I think it could be good for you,” he countered. “It could make things a little less confusing. Maybe Keith knows a word for what you’re feeling.”

“I’m not talking to him.”

Well, it was worth a shot.

“Okay, you don’t have to. But could I ask him questions? I won’t mention you. I’ll just say I’m curious.”

Pidge curled up into a ball on the seat, hugging her knees to her chest. “Guess so.”

“Thank you.”

Pidge reached out and turned the music back up, and that was the end of the conversation.

Matt worried about Pidge sometimes. She was perfectly content on her own, and that was fine, but Matt wished she could have at least one friend besides her brother. The girls in her grade were bitchy, and the boys in her grade never talked to any girls they weren’t planning on dating, so he didn’t blame Pidge for not turning to them. But Keith could be a good option. And Lord knew Shiro was always up for making a new friend.

Matt didn’t push her— he never did— but he was secretly hoping she would change her mind. Isolating wouldn’t improve her social skills, her therapist told the family multiple times (as if anyone could control what Pidge did).

They let the music be the only noise for the rest of the drive. Matt glanced at Pidge out the corner of his eye every so often, and he was relieved to find her relaxing bit by bit.

By the time Matt parked, Pidge was back to her usual self.

“You gonna drive me home too?” She asked, a slight skip in her step as the pair made their way to the front entrance.

“Yep.” Matt pushed through the cluster of students in the courtyard. He walked ahead of Pidge, taking advantage of his height to clear the path for her. He held his arm behind him for her to grab onto. Her thin fingers wrapped around his wrist and held on for dear life. Pidge hated crowds.

Matt waited until they got inside before speaking again. “I’ll meet you at your locker after classes.”

“Alrighty, see you then.”

They waved goodbye, and Matt watched her ponytail swish back and forth as she walked down to the sophomore hallway.

Even if Pidge still didn’t know if she was a boy or not, she said she didn’t like her hair or her clothes. Matt was still powerless to help Pidge figure her gender out, but he could at least help her out with one thing.

He hastily dialed the lock combination, thrusting his backpack and jacket inside. He used the hood to hide his hands as they typed out a quick message to Mom.

 

Brown eyes scanned the cafeteria, looking for two familiar mops of black hair. Even in California, February was too cold to eat outside, so he knew they’d be in here.

He finally spotted his targets and, paper bag in hand, made haste over to their table.

“Hey, guys!”

Shiro looked up and flashed a bright smile. “Matt! What’s up?”

“I was wondering if I could sit with you guys?”

Keith’s shoulders tensed slightly and Matt felt bad, but he really needed some answers here.

“Oh…” Shiro looked over to his boyfriend and waited for the curt nod before he answered. “Sure!”

Matt sat across from the couple, who rather annoyingly sat on the same side of the table all the time, and dumped out the contents of his bag. He and Shiro made small talk for a bit. Keith even got out a few words about the upcoming calculus project, which felt like a mini accomplishment to Matt.

After what he deemed an appropriate time to beat around the bush, he came out with it.

“So, I wanted to ask you two about some gender stuff.”

Shiro’s smile slipped. Keith froze. They stared at their guest for a few uncomfortable moments, until Shiro cleared his throat.

“What, uh… what kind of gender stuff?”

“Well…” Matt carefully tore off the crust of his sandwich to keep his hands busy. “Okay. So. It’s possible to be a girl born in a boy’s body, and to be a boy born in a girl’s body, right?”

They nodded in unison, Keith mumbling “more or less.”

“Well, is it, uh… is it possible to be neither? Like, something completely different? Not a boy or a girl?”

The couple looked at each other, communicating something with their eyes. Did they think Matt was…?

“I mean, I was just curious, you know? No reason in particular,” he clarified quickly. Probably too quickly. Maybe he needed a social skills therapist too.

Unsurprisingly, Shiro was the first to speak. “Well, if… for no reason in particular… you want to explore gender options—“

“It’s not me,” Matt told him, forcing himself to keep his voice down. He didn’t need to attract the lunchroom’s attention. “But… I do know someone. I can’t say who. But I said I’d ask you guys questions, because this someone came to me about it, and I don’t know jack shit, and I don’t wanna say something wrong and—”

“It’s called nonbinary.”

Matt looked over at Keith. “It’s… it’s what?”

“Nonbinary.” Keith absent-mindedly tore chunks out of his styrofoam lunch tray. “When someone isn’t a boy or a girl.”

The word sent images of computer code running through Matt’s head. “Non… binary?”

“Yeah. It means they don’t fit the gender binary of male and female. They’re something different. Someone can solely identify as nonbinary, but it’s also a blanket term for any gender outside the binary. Agender, genderqueer, genderfluid, demigender, bigender, multigender, two-spirited, and so on.”

The words flowed easily off Keith’s tongue, as if he’d spoken them hundreds of times. Meanwhile, Matt could hardly keep up with the list, futilely attempting to file away the unfamiliar terms in his head for googling purposes. He may have to ask Keith to write those down.

“Oh. That’s… super cool, actually. But... kinda confusing,” Matt admitted.

“Well, I’m sure Keith can recommend some reading material,” Shiro said, hopeful eyes trained on his boyfriend.

“Yeah, I know of a few articles. You’re good with science, right?”

“I like to think so.”

“I also have a textbook about the biology behind trans and nonbinary people. You wanna borrow it?”

Matt ginned. “Yeah, oh man, that would be amazing!” Pidge would really appreciate a scientific explanation of her emotions, and it would certainly make it easier on Matt as well. “Seriously, thank you. You’re a lifesaver.”

Keith bit his lip and looked down at his demolished tray, but Shiro’s smile was sincere and eased Matt’s worry that he said something wrong.

“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to come to us with this, Matt. This someone seems lucky to have you in their corner.”

Matt returned Shiro’s smile. Shiro was really cool. If Matt were to turn gay for any dude, it would be football captain Shiro. He wasn’t planning on it (especially after seeing Keith play dodgeball— yikes). But still. He appreciated Shiro.

Matt cursed when he caught sight of the clock. He had five minutes to stuff his entire lunch down his throat. Oh well, Pidge was worth it.

 

“Howdy.”

“Hey, shorty,” Matt returned. He waited for Pidge to grab everything from her locker (her horribly, horribly messy locker) before finally telling her what he’d been excited about since morning.

“We’re not going home right away.”

Pidge was undisturbed as she assumed her position behind Matt. “Why?”

He held his arm behind him, letting her cling onto his wrist. “We’re going shopping,” he called over his shoulder.

“We’re what?”

“Shopping!”

Pidge didn’t say anything else until they reached the car. “Why are we going shopping? What for?” There was a whine in her voice, and Matt had to bite his cheeks to keep from smiling.

“Get in.”

Pidge sighed but did as she was told. Matt gave her control of the AUX again, and she played some indie-sounding band Matt couldn’t recognize. He tried to stay up to date on Pidge’s music, but he could only remember the bands he liked.

“So I talked to Shiro and Keith at lunch,” Matt started, turning the volume down a couple notches.

“Hm.”

“Don’t worry, your name stayed out of it. Keith was really helpful, though. He knew all sorts of terms I’ve never heard of.” He got on the interstate, and Pidge seemed to perk up a bit. “Have you heard of nonbinary?”

“Non… binary?” The gears turning in her head were practically visible.

“I thought of coding too, but it doesn’t have anything to do with that.”

“Oh.”

Matt strained his mind to recall Keith’s eloquent explanation. He stumbled over some words, and he could only remember “genderfluid” and “genderqueer” from the list, but he didn’t think he completely butchered it. Pidge was quiet for a while, fingers playing with her bottom lip in thought. Matt let her think over it as he took the exit. Luckily, his passenger was too deep in thought to notice which exit, otherwise she would’ve caught on immediately.

“I think… I think I am nonbinary. That sounds right. I don’t know if I’m one of the other words too or not, I’ll have to do some research on that first.”

“Keith gave me a list of websites and articles, and he’s also bringing me a transgender biology textbook tomorrow.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, man. I’ve always been kinda scared of him since he rarely talks to anyone who isn’t Shiro and I’m pretty sure he carries a switchblade to school, but he’s actually a really nice guy.”

“Sweet.”

It finally clicked for Pidge when they passed the gaudy frozen yogurt place all the gross couples in school went to.

“Woah woah woah, wait! Are we…?”

Matt couldn’t hold back his smile.

“Dude! Matt!”

Matt shrugged a shoulder, pretending he didn’t feel like the best brother in the world, but he totally did. “Well, you said you weren’t liking your clothes, so I figured we’d get you some new ones. You have a twenty dollar limit.”

Pidge’s jaw dropped.

Twenty dollars may not seem like much, but considering you could get a shirt for a quarter where they were going, it could easily give Pidge a whole new wardrobe.

“Matt…”

“Don’t start crying, now.”

“I’m not! I’m just…” She let out a breathy laugh. “Thank you.”

“Not a problem.”

She smiled to herself, but her face snapped back like elastic, making way for worry. “Wait, what did you tell Mom?”

“I told her I’m sick of you stealing my hoodies so I’m taking you to Thursdays and buying you your own, and she said have fun.”

Matt found a spot and got them parked. Pidge flung the door open so enthusiastically she nearly ripped it off. There wasn’t a crowd, but her fingers still found their way to Matt’s right wrist. She was just a hair shy of completely jumping up and down, her steps were so bouncy. God, she was adorable. Matt felt the urge to voice that, but he knew she’d think he was babying her. He didn’t mean it in a babying sense, but he wasn’t sure how to express that, so he kept his mouth shut.

Thrifty Thursdays was at a strange crossroads between being branded “the poor people’s store” and being frequented by the majority of their high school anyway. The wonders of living in a small town where everyone is broke yet nobody wants to admit it.

The Holts were lucky. Both parents had decent jobs, and Matt had his own part-time, so the siblings were a couple of the “wealthier” kids in school. That didn’t mean Thursdays didn’t come in handy, especially when Mom and Dad may or may not have been saving up for a used vehicle for their second child. Besides, if you knew how to look for them, there were always some killer finds— the Timberland boots Pidge currently donned were purchased right here for five bucks two years back, and the most successful present Matt ever got Mom was that vintage olive green dress for just four.

Needless to say, any embarrassment one could feel entering the musty brick building was promptly whisked away by its contents.

Matt steered Pidge towards the boys section. The elder sibling could barely find men’s shirts small enough for himself here, so no way Pidge was going to find anything in that department. She griped about not being a kid for a moment, but followed Matt anyway, self aware of her vertical challenges.

“Alright, well, we basically live in the desert, so you’ll need some shorts. Basketball shorts are nice and elasticy, so you won’t need to worry too much about sizing. Denim will be a bit trickier, you’ll have to try on a few different sizes. You’ll need shirts too, so pick out whatever you like and think will fit. And of course, get some hoodies. And whatever else you want.”

Matt began plucking various articles of clothing off the racks while Pidge scoped the area out for herself. He noticed a few old ladies giving her judgmental looks and just hoped she was too concentrated to notice for herself.

They regrouped after fifteen minutes. Matt stood outside the dressing room as Pidge tried on garment after garment, occasionally coming out for his opinion, throwing the pieces that didn’t fit over the door for him to catch.

“Uh, can you come in here?”

“Sure, whatcha need?”

Matt pulled the door closed behind him upon entering, and found Pidge standing in her jeans and cami. An emerald sliver of silk hung around her bare shoulders— the tie Matt picked out for her from a bin. It fit as just well with her skin tone as he’d thought it would.

“I don’t know how to tie this.”

Oh, duh, he should have thought of that.

“I’ll teach you.”

After twice restarting his movements and explanation, Matt accepted he could not tie a tie on someone else. Pidge raised an eyebrow at him, corner of her lip hinting at a smirk.

“Wow, what a great teacher.”

“Oh, be quiet, I’m not used to doing it this way! Turn and face the mirror.”

Pidge complied, and Matt reached his arms around her shoulders to fiddle with the knot. This position was similar to tying a tie on his own neck. It proved successful. He went through the motions, explaining each step briefly.

“Got it?”

Matt looked into the reflection of his sibling’s eyes and found them wide, gazing up at Matt’s blankly. He gave her a look of concern. She snapped out of whatever daze she was in.

“Uh… Yeah, yeah, I think I got it.”

Matt frowned. “Want me to run it by you one more time?”

Pidge bit her bottom lip. “Sure?”

Matt reached over again and untied his first knot. He went a bit slower this time, checking on Pidge in the mirror to make sure she was understanding. She stared ahead, eyes trained on Matt’s reflected movements, but her teeth never ceased chewing on her lip. A common nervous habit of hers. He thought he knew what this was about.

“Hey, it’s okay. I know this is a lot in one day, but it’s not like you have to go out in a suit tomorrow. I just thought it might be nice to try things on and have some fun. You don’t have to get a tie if you don’t want one.”

“No, that’s not—” She clamped her mouth shut. Her eyes darted around the room, avoiding Matt’s. She finally lifted her arms to her neck, tugging at the tie.

“Here, you just pull the knot like this…”

Pidge looked away as Matt demonstrated and pulled the tie over her head. He turned to throw it over the door into the reject pile, but a thin hand on his wrist stopped him.

“I do want it, actually.”

Matt gave her a soft smile. “Okay. It does look nice on you.” Pidge’s mouth pressed together in a thin line. Matt tossed the tie into the keep pile. “Was that everything?”

“Uh huh.”

“Alright, let's go check out then!”

The lady at the register was nice. Pidge went a bit over the limit, but it didn’t matter. The look on her face more than made up for it, in Matt’s opinion. She said her favorite was the pair of cargo shorts, but she was also excited about the white pullover, but she was also just excited about all of it in general. Matt couldn’t not share in her excitement. This was a side of Pidge he hadn’t seen in a long while— pure, unbridled happiness.

 

Their parents were surprised by how many bags the siblings walked in with, so Matt lied a bit and said half of them were his. Mom asked Pidge if she had fun. Pidge said it was the best day she’d had in forever.

Matt spent the evening after dinner working on his calculus project. It wasn’t due for another two weeks, but the simple thought of turning something in late could induce heart palpitations.

A gentle knock came from his door. He finished copying an equation before answering with an equally gentle, “come in.”

Pidge entered the bedroom, shut the door, and sat on Matt’s bed. He swiveled around in his desk chair to face her.

“May I help you, Pidgeon?”

“I wanted to say thanks for today.”

She was already wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tank top from Thursdays. Matt personally would never let an article of clothing from there touch his person before being washed, but Pidge could (and would) do whatever she wanted.

“You’re very welcome. I’m glad you had a good time.”

“Thank you for everything in general.” She looked down at her fiddling hands. Talking about feelings was hard for her. “Um. You make me feel safe, I guess. I know I can always come to you for help. You’re pretty great.”

Matt stood and walked up to Pidge. He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her so tight her back cracked, and she laughed.

“I love you too, Pidge.”

Her lanky arms returned the hug. Neither of them let go for some time. Pidge mumbled “you smell nice” into Matt’s chest, and Matt rubbed a hand up and down her back. He could feel desperation in her grip, the same kind he felt in her fingers when they clasped around his wrist in a crowd. He held back just as tightly, grounding her, letting her know he was here for her and always would be.

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one down! I really hope you enjoyed it. I'm not the best writer, but I'm having fun, and that's what counts.
> 
> This has been very therapeutic for me to write so far. I'm self-projecting a lot on these two, lol. I relate to Pidge much more than Matt, but I figured I'd challenge myself to write from his perspective. I'm hoping to update weekly... no promises though.
> 
> Questions, comments, concerns? Leave em down below! I'd love to hear from you guys!


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